Blame vs Self Responsibility
One makes us feel self righteous and justified. The other takes hard work and can feel icky and exposing. I’m talking about blame versus self responsibility and the incredibly important distinction between both. Whichever path we choose can define so much about who we are and how we live.
People do us wrong, it’s an inevitable fact of life. A partner says something hurtful and insensitive at the wrong time - we explode with rage or implode with quiet anger, whichever is our coping mechanism forte. We have an odious boss who is mean and arrogant and has very questionable leadership qualities. Someone says something rude about us and we overhear - ouch. A friend lets you down at the last minute, again. The list is sadly endless, we can be a mean and unreliable old bunch us humans.
Then comes the blame. They are so wrong and I am so right. It feels both great and frustrating at the same time. If only they could just be a nicer person, more caring. Why can’t they just know how to act when I feel this way? How dare they say that about me!! They’ve gone and done it again, what an idiot they are. But where does blame ultimately get us? What do we learn about ourselves when all riled up and projecting our anger onto this other person? Very little that’s what. It might feel good for a bit, having that pretend conversation in your head where you tell the person exactly what you think of them, but it’s just a fantasy in which you’re the star of the show, the oh-so righteous one.
I find it helpful to apply the 80/20 rule when I get caught in a blame flurry. Even if someone is 80% wrong, there is also 20% that I can take responsibility for. I can learn so much more from focusing on this 20% than from wishing someone else would change. Because we can’t make people change, it’s impossible. That’s not to say that it’s OK for people to treat us badly, but where is my responsibility in either how I react to this, or how I got into this situation in the first place?
Take responsibility for your part. Why am I with a partner who speaks to me in this way, what is it about me that thinks that’s OK? Or even, what am I looking for from this person, that they’re simply not able to give me? Why am I triggered by bosses who act in this way, what can I learn about myself and my boundaries in a work situation like this? What is it about me that makes my friend think it’s OK to let me down, do I need to be more assertive? These questions are where it gets interesting, these are where we get the chance to learn and grow.
It’s absolutely not about turning the blame on yourself, allow yourself to feel the hurt of injustice for as long as you need. Then make the necessary changes in yourself or in the situation. Take responsibility for your own life, it’s far easier in the long run than trying to change that other person.
