Why is it so hard to say No?
Let’s set the scene. The phone rings, it’s your boss / friend / sibling. You’re already feeling stressed and stretched, the house is a mess, you have to make dinner, your To Do list is never-ending. Then comes the question. ‘Is there any chance you can …’ or ‘I really need something done urgently….’ and you hear yourself say Yes without any hesitation. Now, not everyone is an instant Yes person. Some people take their time to reply, review their agenda, make a conscious and well considered decision, unfortunately however, many of us are not this person, and saying No can be a real struggle.
In today’s manic society, we’re so used to doing a million things at once, what’s another job added to the list? We don’t want to let anyone down, I get it. We don’t want to feel selfish or mean, we don’t want to make the other person feel bad. And let’s be honest, it’s often really awkward saying no, unless we have a watertight excuse. No doubt we wouldn’t have too many friends left if we went around saying “No, I don’t want to go to your party because I don’t feel like it and I don’t think I’ll have a good time.” Often, we say Yes so we can feel accepted. What if I say No to this thing and nobody ever asks me to do anything ever again?
There’s also the existential choice thing that can be a struggle. What if I say No and it’s the wrong choice? Committing ourselves to a No can mean that all of the possibilities that might have come from a Yes will be lost forever! It’s hard to make a choice at the best of times, so why not just go with the easy option…..Yes I’ll look after your scary crazy dog for a month while you jet off around the world, no problemo, sign me up.
When we feel needed or wanted by another person, it can be really difficult to put our own needs first. Yet I think there is real power in saying No. Constantly putting other people’s needs before our own can leave us feeling resentful and exhausted. It’s ok to say No, and it’s ok to put our own needs first. Give yourself a moment next time. Just take a moment to consider if agreeing to this thing will diminish you in any way and if it’s really what you want.
The therapist Emma Reed said something in a recent podcast that I listened to that really struck me, “givers have to set boundaries because the takers rarely will”. Saying No can be a way of setting boundaries and taking care of yourself. That’s not to say that you never help anyone out ever again, but when we take a moment to assess first if we really have it to give, before we give it away, that can be a game changer.
