Feeling left out.

I was 14 and it was just another boring morning at school, that is until I walked down the grey, cold corridor towards my group of girl friends, who turned towards me in unison, then made a point of ignoring me.

Teenage girls can be ruthless. I was the one being frozen out that week, and it felt excruciating. My heart dropped to my stomach, I felt ashamed, distracted, and completely alone.

In terms of our primal needs, feeling included and part of the group is one of the highest things on our list. That’s because historically, being part of the pack was integral to our very survival. This might not be the case today in our individualist society, but it doesn’t mean it feels any less awful when we’re left out. I bet reading this you can relate to a time when you’ve felt just that.

But you know what, it’s all part of the human experience. I don’t think it’s a feeling we can avoid. So here are some tips to help you cope when the dreading experience knocks at your door;

1.You’re not alone.

There’s something about being left out that’s so shaming. We often go straight to the emotional wasteland of loneliness - I’m not enough, there’s something wrong with me, I’m not lovable. The reality is though, this is something that happens to everyone, and I think there’s comfort in remembering that. It can be tempting to try dissect the reasons why it’s happened. Chances are I fancied one of those girl’s boyfriends back when I was 14, or told a secret I wasn’t supposed to. Often though, that leads us down the path of trying to figure out other people’s thoughts, which is one big old waste of time.

This experience happens because we’re human, not because there’s something wrong with us. I also can think of occasions where I’ve left people out, because shock horror, I’m not perfect either. Unfortunately, it’s just a feeling that is very deeply a part of needing love and connection. So of course it feels crappy when we get the opposite of that.

2. Love yourself.

Another great antidote I’ve found to this feeling is loving yourself first. The more you value yourself, the less outside opinions shake you. We’re not everyones cup of tea. Or sometimes people don’t even realise what they’ve done. People are busy. We’re all flawed, we’re all imperfect.

The more we like ourselves, actually do the work to take care of and love the person we are, I think the less we’re thrown when feeling left out. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, of course it still hurts, but there’s a strong correlation between liking yourself better and subsequently being less impacted by what others think of you.

3. Get connected.

The world is full of opposites. So if you’ve been feeling left out, the opposite to this is good connection with someone you trust. Honestly this really works, pick up the phone to a good friend or relative. Remind yourself of what it’s like to have that lovely connection with someone who gets you. Because not everyone one will get you, but the people who do get you are the ones whose opinions of you truly matter.

And if that’s not something you can do in the moment, I think putting on a song you really love and having a good dance always helps. Regulate your nervous system and remind yourself it’s ok, you’re safe, not being part of the pack doesn’t mean being eaten by a tiger anymore!